Post-millennium Pigeon

Sunday Style, New Sunday Times, Malaysia

Doggerel by JOHAN
Picture by ROGER TAN

The prophets of doom,
In the cabinet room,
Are all huddled in serious discussions.
The bug Y2K,
Is on its way,
And they're braced for severe repercussion.

Tamagoths are dying,
And aircraft aren't flying,
Your shaver's kaput and your handphone's dead.
We can't calculate,
At our previous rate,
'cos now we must work out the sums in our head.

But pigeons they hope,
Will be able to cope,
When the last of the microchips fails.
We're tireless commuters,
We don't need computers,
So it's who will deliver millennial mails.

Our washing machines,
Won't clean our jeans,
And we can't trim our beards with our razors.
We must put them on hold,
As most are controlled,
By microchip, motherboards, circuits and lasers.

From the KLIA,
To Heathrow UK,
Is a journey us pigeons must now undertake.
All aircraft are grounded,
For reasons well founded,
Their systems all down for a microchip's sake.

Now the world has recourse,
To the dog-cart and horse,
And we carrier pigeons are flying for Reuters.
We're no longer fired,
Or retrenched or retired,
For a hard-working pigeon is not one who loiters.

The cars won't start,
Or buses depart,
And even the Concorde has gone on the blink.
For planes supersonic,
And thing electronic,
And more widely affected than most of us think.

Under Nelson's column,
A speaker most solemn,
Addressed in deep tones of foreboding.
You can store and recall,
From here to Pall Mall,
But on Nelson, refrain from down-loading.

My record's okay,
I'm happy to say,
And it's not my intention to spoil it.
But as I'm aware,
Trafalgar Square,
Is a pigeon's first choice for a toilet.

Wira-in-waiting

Sunday Style, New Sunday Times, Malaysia

Doggerel by JOHAN
Picture by ROGER TAN

I have to keep my hand in,
By acting as a stand-in,
For a much-acclaimed and celebrated ape.
Although his fees are dearer,
I'm a substitute for Wira,
A menial role from which I can't escape.

What Wira does for real,
With heavy bars of steel,
I do with polystyrene, balsawood and cork.
In everything athletic,
My efforts are pathetic,
And I even tire quickly if asked to walk.

I'm not the Wira type,
In spite of all the hype,
For 'Wira' means a brave outstanding hero.
I chicken out of fights,
I'm terrified of heights,
And my rating as a warrior's nigh to zero.

I really just can't take it,
But when I'm told to fake it,
That's when you find I really go for gold.
For pixmen always wangle,
A convincing camera angle,
To make me look a winner - brave and bold.

I tried for many days,
To ape his winning ways,
But some things Wira has I just ain't got.
Although I'm not a fool,
Ol' Wira's really cool,
And those who really know me think I'm not.

At the starting block,
There's a special clock,
Which the cameraman always gets into frame.
He shoots me beginning,
And once again winning,
And the time on the clock is nearly the same.

But with a touch of make-up,
I'm quite prepared to take up,
Whatever pose the studio team dictates.
Whether finishing the mile,
With a big triumphant smile,
Or going gold by lifting heavy weights.

It seems like I'm fast,
But the time that's passed,
Is longer than ever the viewers would guess.
It's no more than a fiddle,
'Cos the bit in the middle,
Is just not recorded, I'm ashamed to confess.

But don't call me 'Wira',
My real name is Elvira,
His five-year-old sister, youthful and tender.
Though I'm truly his double,
It could cause real trouble,
Because I'm the wrong age - and wrong gender!

Learning the Ropes

Sunday Style, New Sunday Times, Malaysia

Doggerel by JOHAN
Picture by ROGER TAN

When you were three,
A kempas tree,
Was the only home you knew.
The tree was tall,
You didn't fall,
And accidents were few.

When in a tight spot,
Just knowing a lot,
Is enough for a geek who just copes.
But the one to succeed,
Is a different breed,
And he certainly knows all the ropes.

When you were a lad,
Your mum and dad,
Came down to the lowland slopes.
We helped you along,
Till you were strong,
And we taught you all the ropes.

An honours degree,
Won't set you free,
When you're held in some far foreign jail.
But a rope-knowing friend,
Can probably end,
Your term - without even putting up bail.

You're now out of college,
Bursting with knowledge,
And full of ambitions and hopes.
You're very well paid,
But to make the grade,
You've still gotta know the ropes.

Life you will find,
Is not the kind,
That TV will show you on soaps.
It's often tough,
And sometimes rough,
So go out and learn all the ropes.

Don't scorn the opinions,
Of lower-paid minions,
When you're lost on a Borneo trek.
Don't think they are dopes,
They know the ropes,
So listen, and save your red neck.

Don't be the sort,
Of spoilsport,
Who just sits down and mopes.
Just go out there,
Without a care,
And get to know the ropes.

If you happen to mate,
With an elderly date,
She'll not love a gibbon who gropes.
When down to brass tracks,
Stretch out and relax,
And just let her show you the ropes.

Court: Plan for RM4b floating city is valid

New Straits Times

JOHOR BARU, Sat. - The High Court here yesterday struck off with costs an originating summons asking for a declaration that the permission given by the City Council (MBJB) to develop the RM4 billion floating city project is invalid.

Judge Datuk Abdul Malek Ishak, who delivered his judgment in chambers, said the originating summons had no reasonable grounds, adding that the costs would be decided at a later date.

Lawyer Abdul Razak Ahmad in his originating summons filed last November, had said that the permission granted to Johor Coastal Development Sdn Bhd to start work on the project contravened the Town and Country Planning Act, 1976.

His originating summons also stated that the permission contravened the Street, Drainage and Building Act, 1974 and Uniform By-Laws 1984.

Razak had stated that he was entitled to a reply by the MBJB to his letter dated Sept 7, 1994 in relation to the planning permission given.

The MBJB's application to strike off the originating summons was made last December pursuant to Order 18, Rule 19 on the grounds that Razak's summons did not disclose reasonable cause of action.

Roger Tan appeared for the MBJB, while Razak represented himself. State Legal Advisor Abdul Alim Abdullah held a watching brief for the State Government.