Tribute to my mum on this Mother's Day

NEVER FORGOTTEN, ETERNALLY GRATEFUL: On this Mother’s Day, let me pay tribute to this woman I have the privilege of calling Mum (1925-2015). Though forever missed, we will never forget what she had gone through in her mortal life - a lot of suffering and trials; living in poverty; but always standing by her husband our dad throughout who later went missing in May 2000, at the same time looking after all of us. This video resonates with us how bad life was in the 1960s and 1970s, but never forgetting for a single moment one of the most important values of Chinese culture - our filial piety towards our parents.

In fact, mum had a miscarriage during her first pregnancy when she was 18. When her first child, a girl, was finally born, mum was a weak and frail 19-year-old girl herself. It was also in this year (1943) that our paternal grandmum in her 40s died. Believing that the newly born girl had brought bad luck to the family, maternal grandmum then decided to let the poor baby girl die in the cold outside.

She came over to Malaya with Dad in March 1947. They first settled down in Sepang, Selangor and toiled hard as pig-farmers there. A son was shortly born but died a few days later, again. Still childless at this time, they decided to adopt a girl in 1948 in the belief that later pregnancies would be smooth going. In November 1949, their own child, a girl, was born and this was followed by a son in October 1951. Much to their dismay, one more miscarriage happened in 1952. In June 1955, they were blessed with another daughter. But life then was still bad, and they lived in poverty and under the constant fear of the communist insurgents which Malaya was fighting at this time. As the pig farm was located far away from home, their livelihood was severely affected by the many curfews imposed by the security forces. When another girl was born in 1957, like so many other Sepang residents then, they had no choice but to give the child up for adoption by the Christian missionaries in now known as the Convent High School, Seremban. Years later, it was discovered from the records kept at the Seremban Convent High School and confirmed by the National Registration Department that the baby girl named Mary Agatha Tan Ah Siew had died 3 months after her admission from pneumonia.

Keep our moral laws up to date

Much has been said about oral sex lately. But what is oral sex and how does it stand with the law?

In Malaysia, consensual fellatio is an offence, consensual cunnilingus is not. Under Sections 377A and 377B of the Penal Code, the person who receives fellatio is punishable by imprisonment for a term of up to 20 years and mandatory whipping. The other person who performs fellatio will not be caught by Section 377A.

Yeo Yang Poh, a former Bar Council chairman and whose views are often sought on this subject, called this law obsolete and that it should be repealed. Yeo argued that if it was really enforced "more than 95 per cent of adult Malaysians would be in jail".

If oral sex, as asserted by Yeo, is indeed so rampantly practised in our bedrooms, then would it not be hypocritical for our prosecutors and judges to prosecute and try consensual oral sex when our courts ought to be the custos morum (custodian of morals) dealing with offences which are contra bonos mores (against good morals)? Interestingly, no one has to date been prosecuted for consensual fellatio.

In Singapore, the courts there had to deal with this issue in several cases; one of which was Public Prosecutor v Kwan Kwong Weng 1997. The case involved a naive 19-year-old who was made to believe by the respondent that her genitals had been poisoned when her first boyfriend performed cunnilingus on her. When told that unless the poison was removed from her genitals, it would affect her future husband, she agreed to be treated by the respondent by having sexual intercourse with him.

During their second visit at the hotel, they engaged in sexual intercourse three times within a space of 21/2 hours. In between the sessions, the respondent asked the complainant to fellate him as it was necessary to balance the "ying" and the "yang" because he had used up a lot of energy and had to be revitalised.

But the trial judge acquitted the respondent on the ground that fellatio was not an act covered by Section 377.

Upon appeal, the Court of Appeal held that only coitus of the male and female sexual organs was carnal intercourse in the course of nature. However, justice Karthigesu went on to say that it is also a fact of life, in humans as well as in animals, that before the act of copulation takes place there is foreplay to stimulate the sex urge. Therefore, the appeal judge said if oral sex is indulged as a prelude or stimulant to natural intercourse, then such an act is not against the order of nature. But in all other cases, an act of fellatio will be an offence if it is performed as a substitute to natural sexual intercourse.

But it appears that in Malaysia, the way Section 377A is worded, consensual fellatio, even if it is a prelude to sexual intercourse, will still be an offence.

Needless to say, this case caused public outrage in Singapore that consensual oral sex between heterosexual couples could attract a criminal penalty. But the then chief justice of Singapore, Yong Pung How, was not amused.

In hearing an appeal in 2004 by police sergeant Annis Abdullah against his two-year prison sentence for engaging in an act of fellatio with a 16-year-old girl (later revealed to be 15), Yong was reported to have described in open court that oral sex was "so repulsive in Asian culture".

In what is now known as one of his famous rants, Yong was reported to have said: "There are countries where you can go and suck away for all you are worth... People in high places do it for all they're worth... But this is Asia".

It looks like the learned chief justice may have overlooked that the world's oldest love-making book, Kama Sutra, originated from Asia, that is India, with at least one chapter devoted to oral sex.

There is a problem when criminalising sexual acts because different sections of society will have diverse standards of morality. Take the case of an elected woman representative, for example. One group will say that in this age of gender equality, a woman should be free to enjoy sex like any man, and that what she does in her bedroom is not the business of the state or anyone. But the conservative group will argue that as an elected representative, she can no longer ride on the moral high horse and is a bad role model for our youth by indulging in premarital sex.

In October 2007, Singapore decriminalised consensual oral and anal sex, irrespective of whether the other person is male or female. It has brought its laws up to date to reflect the societal morals there.

I hate to say this, but our authorities are too slow in making our laws progressive to keep up with the times, especially in addressing the injustices caused by our antiquated laws.

Apart from Section 377A, take these three other areas of laws:

- The maximum penalty which can be imposed on a Peeping Tom is a mere RM100 under Section 14 of the Minor Offences Act, 1955.

- Section 95 of the Law Reform (Marriage and Divorce) Act 1976 relieves a non-Muslim divorced parent from his obligation of providing for a child financially after the child attains the age of 18 even though the child is still pursuing higher education.

- Section 340 of the National Land Code has still not been amended to legislatively reverse the 2000 decision of the Federal Court in Adorna Properties v Boonsom Boonyanit which held that a forger can immediately transfer a good title to a bona fide purchaser, putting every landowner at risk of losing his land to criminals and syndicates.

It is sad that nothing has yet been done to undo the above injustices despite uncountable calls over the years to the authorities to do so.

The first two issues fall within the jurisdiction of the Home Ministry while the third is under the purview of the Natural Resources and Environment Ministry. It is hoped that the above can now be added to the key performance indicators of these two ministries so that the performance of the ministers can be assessed in November.

Published in the New Sunday Times, 19 April 2009

Instil filial piety in young ones

New Sunday Times

by Roger Tan

IT is indeed a blessing that I was able to celebrate Mothers Day with my 83-year-old mother and 89-year-old mother-in-law last Sunday.

The picture shows both the octogenarians beaming with joy as their children, grandchildren and great grandchildren went home to Yong Peng to celebrate the occasion with them.

For my mum, life was especially hard when she first came over with dad to Malaya in March 1947. Living in extreme poverty then, her pregnancies were often fraught with problems.

She suffered three miscarriages, and two boys died one week after their births. Another girl had to be given up for adoption by the Christian missionaries at the Seremban Convent High School in 1957, whose records showed had died of pneumonia three months later.

In China in 1943, her first child, a girl, was born when mum was a weak and frail 19-year-old herself. It was also in that year that our paternal grandmother died in her 40s.

Believing that the newly born girl had brought bad luck to the family, our superstitious maternal grandmother decided to let her die in the cold outside.

Despite all these tragedies, mum is no doubt a woman of great fortitude. While dad toiled as a farmer and labourer and was often away from home, my mum performed her duties as a mother looking after us at home.

My mother-in-law is also very much an indomitable character in her own right. Hailing from China in 1932, she did not stop tapping rubber trees to support the family until she was 65.

As my father-in-law (who passed away in 1980) had asthma and was unable to work, one cannot imagine how she could have brought up a family of nine girls and three boys, including a fine daughter for me to marry.

Today, she has 37 grandchildren and 14 great grandchildren. She would often testify that she derives her strength from her strong faith in God, which she no doubt does as she still reads the Bible every day.

I am sure many others have similar if not more powerful stories to tell about their mothers. Likewise, there are many mothers out there whose children were not able to celebrate the occasion with them as depicted by the powerful Chinese New Year advertisement of Petronas in February this year.

Indeed, how we treat our parents will indirectly teach our children how they treat us later. It is often said that filial piety is becoming a thing of the past.

Surely, if our children are taught the importance of filial piety when they are young, then their children will also love them in return when they grow old.

To the Chinese community, filial piety or xiao means complete obedience to one’s parents or parents-in-law, and nothing can be more important than looking after your own parents when they are old.

So, a tale is often told that once upon a time in China, there lived a very poor family. They had a young son but the man’s mother would always give a part of her share to her grandson so that the young boy would not starve. Fearing that his mother would starve instead, the man decided to bury his son alive. But when he dug a hole, lo and behold, he discovered a pot filled with gold.

Filial piety is a universal value fundamental to the family institution.

For example, my Muslim friends are often reminded of Surah Luqman (31) verse 14 in the Quran: "And We have enjoined on man to be good to his parents: In travail upon travail did his mother bear him, And in years twain was his weaning: (Hear The Command), Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents; To Me is thy final Goal."

Our Christian friends, on the other hand, are often told that it is one of the Ten Commandments to honour our father and mother so that we may live long.

Our parents cannot just wither away in loneliness or be treated like "excess baggage" when they grow old.

It follows that our young ones should be taught, trained and imbued with filial piety as early as possible. Our primary school education system must prioritise this.

In fact, the New Sunday Times reported on April 22 that Jerai Member of Parliament Datuk Paduka Badruddin Amiruldin had urged parliament to enact a law to punish errant children who abandoned their parents.

The report also quoted the president of the National Council of Senior Citizens’ Organisations Malaysia, Lum Kin Tuck, responding that the proposed law was unnecessary and, if introduced, "can be a disgrace to us".

Of course, it was not too nice either to read the New Straits Times on March 12 that one requires between RM1.4 million and RM2.8 million in order to retire comfortably.

In Singapore, the Maintenance of Parents Act 1995 allows any person who is 60 years old or above and who is unable to maintain himself to apply to the Tribunal for the Maintenance of Parents for an order that one or more of his children pay him a monthly allowance or any other periodical payment or a lump sum for his maintenance.

In India, the Maintenance and Welfare of Parents and Senior Citizens Bill 2006 was tabled to ensure that if a person responsible for the upkeep of his parents failed to take care of them, he can face up to three months’ imprisonment and a fine in addition to being disinherited from the parent’s will.

To my mind, maintaining our parents is a family responsibility and not the state’s. If the state has to come in to compel our children to maintain us like what is being done in Singapore or India, then something is very wrong with our society.

As a parent, to know that my children are maintaining me because of a court order only grieves me further to realise that this is retribution for I have failed as a parent all these years.

It is also a damning indictment of poor parenting on our part which we, as parents, must assume full responsibility.

In conclusion, let me share with you this oft-quoted inspirational lesson written by an unknown author: A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law and four-year-old grandson.

The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table.

But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.

"We must do something about grandfather," said the son. "I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating and food on the floor."

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.

Since grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.

He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up."

The four-year-old smiled and went back to work. The words so struck the parents that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening, the husband took grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days, he ate every meal with the family.

And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled or the tablecloth soiled. Children are remarkably perceptive.

*The writer still grieves for his missing father: www.missingourdad.com

Love is all around for matriarch

The Sunday Star

By Meera Vijayan

Joyous reunion: Teo surrounded by her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren at her Yong Peng house.

YONG PENG: Matriarch Teo Guat Kwee has reason to be smiling this Mother’s Day as she finds herself surrounded by many of her loving children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. 

The celebration is extra special because a wedding reception in the family last night allowed 89-year-old Teo’s family to turn the weekend into a joyous reunion.

Clutching a bouquet from her children, Teo was a picture of happiness at her home in Yong Peng. 

One of Teo’s daughters, Wong Ee Teng, 46, said the family celebrated Mother’s Day annually but decided to make this a grander affair as many of her relatives were around. 

Ee Teng said that her mother, although not a strict disciplinarian, taught her family the value of determination, education and thrift. 

Reminiscing with laughter, Ee Teng said that when she and her siblings were growing up, they would often show Teo their latest purchases of clothes and shoes. 

Teo would gently admonish them saying, ‘Money won’t bite you, you can save some of it’, shared Ee Teng, with a chuckle as her sisters nodded with amusement. 

Ee Teng said before her mother became wheelchair-bound a couple of years ago, Teo was fastidious about keeping herself fit for as long as she could. 

Another daughter, Ai Ngee said that her mother continued to tap rubber trees in their plantation until the age of 65, as she preferred to keep the work within the family.

Tell your dad 'I love you' now before it's too late for that

Tan Sue Yong (missing since 23 May 2000)

TODAY is Father’s Day. May I wish all fathers a Happy Father’s Day.

Let me tell you a story about a great dad. Applying our societal standards, he was a nobody. He possessed neither wealth nor fame. But to his children, he was the greatest gift from God.

Sue Yong was born on Sept 24, 1917 to a huge and wealthy Zheng family in the province of Fuzhou, China. Sue Yong’s grandfather, Zheng Peng Hui was a renowned and wealthy physician sharing the lineage of the famous Chinese poet in the Qing Dynasty, Zheng Ban Qiao.

They lived in a huge mansion and were served by many servants. He was the 19th generation of the Zheng family.

In 1947, with the prospect of the communists taking control of China, Sue Yong and his young wife Swee Mei decided to leave China. The Zheng’s family assets were later sequestrated by the communists when they came to power on Oct 1, 1949.

Upon arrival, the young childless couple decided to settle down in Sepang, Selangor. There, they laboured as pig-farmers.

Living under poor and malnourished circumstances, Swee Mei’s pregnancies were often fraught with problems. She suffered several miscarriages and three sons died a few days after their births.

For Sue Yong, the life of luxury of his China days had also come to an end. There was no way he would return to China. Malaya was his new home.

In Sepang, they lived in poverty and under constant fear of the communist insurgents Malaya was fighting at that time. As the pig farm was located far away from home, their livelihood was severely affected by the many curfews imposed by the security forces.

In 1958, they decided to move down to Yong Peng. By this time, he had to work even harder to feed his five young children. Lunch and dinner were often porridge with soya sauce or a few slices of preserved bean curds.

In Yong Peng, Sue Yong toiled as a labourer for landowners who required him to clear their smallholdings of weeds and lallang or make drains along the perimeter of the land. He did all these by using his cangkul, and for a meagre wage of six ringgit a day.

Apart from having to work under the hot sun with his bare hands, such job offers were not regular. So, the household income was partly supplemented by his two elder daughters who gave up school to work as rubber tappers at the tender age of 10, each earning about two ringgit a day.

Their quality of life only started to improve from the mid-1970s when Sue Yong started to get tree-felling contracts. But this job required him to live in jungles for one or two months, felling trees and clearing secondary jungle with his chain saw.

Beloved Dad and Mum

It was an extremely dangerous job. So, whenever the taxi pulled up in front of the house with his tools, it meant Sue Yong had come home safely.

But when he had to leave again for new assignments, his family would worry for his safety again.

Often, Sue Yong had to dye his grey hair whenever he went around trying to secure contracts, fearing that prospective employers would find him too old to take up the job. He did not retire until he was 71, and that was also upon his children’s insistence.

For him, education for his children was the best investment. Despite advice from relatives that he should get his children to stop studying and start tapping rubber or helping him out with his contract work, Sue Yong was adamant that he would do everything for his children so that they would not be deprived of education and end up to be like him.

This is one fine example of what Ruth E. Renkel said: "Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance."

He was also a loyal Malaysian as he would often say Malaysia was his home and would be his final resting place.

Since he came over here in 1947, he only went back to China once in 1983. That trip meant a lot to him because he had always wanted to make this "pilgrimage" to fulfil his wish and duty of paying his belated respects to his departed parents.

A duty no doubt he fulfilled with admiration by collecting the relics of his late parents and having them buried with a beautiful tomb erected in their memory.

But alas, just as he was able to enjoy the fruits of his labour in his twilight years, Sue Yong went missing on May 23, 2000 after taking an evening walk. He was 83. It was devastating for me. Tan Sue Yong is my father.

When I received a call from my mother on that fateful evening, I immediately rushed back. With the help of local Rela members, we mounted a search around Yong Peng town but could not find him.

For the next few days, the police field force and dog units joined the search. After one whole week of looking out for him in Yong Peng without any success, the reality of never seeing my dad again began to sink in.

I remember hugging my wife and crying together as we agonised over our missing dad. We could not understand why someone who had given so much to us, would have his life end in this manner.

When news came that dad was spotted taking a bus in Air Hitam, Johor, I knew he was now on the move, and no longer in Yong Peng. So, I had to abandon the search in Yong Peng and return to work.

That evening, when driving my family home, tears just flowed down as I felt so helpless at that time. I felt as if I had failed him for not being able to find him. I felt as if I had not done enough despite all the time, money, resources spent and help from so many kind people.

So, on Father’s Day 2000, which also fell on June 18, I took out advertisements in national newspapers seeking help in locating him, but to no avail.

Six years have passed. By the seventh year, the law will presume he is dead if he is still missing. But hope is what I will not give up and will continue to pray that God will help us find him — whether dead or alive.

Until then, it is difficult to have any closure on our part. The tomb that he himself designed and which was built some 20 years ago is still empty.

Our tears still flow whenever we look at his photo or dream of him. We have dreamt of him many times hoping that he would reveal to us his whereabouts, but we would wake up each time just as he was about to tell us where he was.

Dear Malaysians, though we are not rich, our lives have been enriched by him. Our dad taught us honesty, hard work and filial piety.

Always more concerned about providing for his family, he did not drink, smoke or gamble, let alone indulge in unfruitful activities. He even helped around with household chores.

Many a time, the mere thought of what our dad went through to bring us up would always provide us the much-needed jolt to remind us how blessed we are because of him.

On this special day, I pay tribute to this great man in my life. We are not who we are today if not for our beloved dad. The toil and sweat he had put in would not be in vain.

Because of him, all his grandchildren are now able to receive tertiary education. We are a family brought up by a man deprived of everything but who gave his all to us. He will remain in our hearts forever.

So Malaysians, I have no doubt this evening many of you will take your dad out for dinner. But except for this special day, when was the last time we took our dad out for a meal or sat down to have a good chat with him?

And when was the last time we gave him a pat or a hug or said, "I love you"?

In fact, just a week ago, our Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, when launching the Royal Malaysia Police Family Day, advised us to value our family members while they are still alive and shower them with love so that there will be no sense of guilt later.

I could not agree more with our Prime Minister, and I leave you to read Robert Paul Moreno’s The Time is Now:

If you are ever going to love me
Love me now while I can know
All the sweet and tender feelings
From which the true affection flows

Love me now while I am living
Do not wait until I am gone
And then have it chiselled in marble
Sweet words on ice-cold stone

If you have tender thoughts of me
Why not whisper them to me?
Don’t you know it would make me happy?
And as glad as can be

If you wait until I’m sleeping
Never to waken here again
There will be walls of earth between us
And I won’t hear you then

I won’t need your kind words
When the grass grows over my face
I won’t crave your love and kisses
In my last low resting place

So if you love me, even a little bit
Let me know while I’m living
So that I can treasure it

The writer is a lawyer. Please visit www.missingourdad.com for more information about his missing father.